When Love Makes Your World Smaller: Coercive Control and the Pressure to Stay Strong

When holding everything together means hiding how much your relationship is costing you.

You can lead the meeting, pay the bills, care for your children, and be the person everyone calls for advice.

And still rehearse what you’ll say before your partner gets home.

You can be outspoken everywhere else and carefully measure your words in your own kitchen. You can have your own income and still feel that every purchase requires an explanation.

You can recognize mistreatment when it happens to someone else and struggle to name it when it happens to you.

This October, during Domestic Violence Awareness Month, we are making room for the woman whose pain is hidden behind how well she functions.

The woman people assume would leave.

The woman who has heard, “You’re too smart to put up with that.”

The woman who quietly wonders, “How did I get here?”

Being capable does not make you immune to abuse. Experiencing abuse does not diminish your intelligence, strength, or worth.

You do not have to fall apart publicly for your private pain to matter.

Domestic violence can exist without visible bruises

Domestic violence involves a pattern of behaviors used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner. It can include emotional, sexual, financial, and technology-facilitated abuse, alongside physical violence. (thehotline.org, thehotline.org)

Sometimes, what you notice first is how much of your day revolves around preventing a reaction.

You check their mood before sharing good news. You decline an invitation because you already know the argument it will create. You apologize to end a conversation even when you do not believe you did anything wrong.

Over time, your choices become smaller.

What coercive control can look like

Coercive control describes a pattern of intimidation, restriction, and manipulation that limits another person’s independence. Individual behaviors may be presented as concern, loyalty, protection, or “just how relationships work.” Together, they can create a relationship organized around one person’s power and the other person’s fear. The Hotline’s power-and-control framework describes these overlapping forms of abuse. (thehotline.org)

The examples and quotes below are illustrative, rather than statements from actual clients. A phrase alone cannot establish abuse; consider the repeated behavior, its context, and what happens when you disagree.

Making connection with other people costly

A partner may criticize your friends, create conflict before family visits, or repeatedly interrupt your time away until you begin declining plans.

“Your friends are trying to ruin our relationship.”

“Why do you need anyone else when you have me?”

“Go ahead. Just don’t expect things to be fine when you get home.”

You may still technically be “allowed” to go. But the punishment afterward makes the choice feel unavailable.

Monitoring you and calling it reassurance

This can include demanding passwords, checking messages, requiring constant location sharing, or expecting immediate responses and photographic proof of where you are.

“If you have nothing to hide, give me your phone.”

“Send me a picture so I know you’re really there.”

“You know how anxious I get. Answering immediately is the least you can do.”

Consensual sharing allows room to change your mind. Control makes privacy suspicious and refusal punishable.

Restricting money or undermining your work

A partner may withhold access to accounts, scrutinize necessities, pressure you into debt, or disrupt your work through repeated calls, accusations, or interference with transportation or childcare.

“You earn money, but I decide how we spend it.”

“You don’t need that job. You need to focus on this family.”

“If you leave, you’ll have nothing.”

Having an income does not necessarily mean having financial freedom.

Creating rules that only apply to you

You may be expected to follow restrictions about clothing, friendships, work, social media, or daily routines while your partner claims freedom from the same expectations.

“You’re not wearing that out.”

“I shouldn’t have to explain myself to you.”

“If you respected me, I wouldn’t need to make these rules.”

Ask yourself: Can I disagree with the rule? What happens if I do?

Wearing down your trust in your own experience

Repeated denial, blame, or ridicule may leave you questioning what happened and whether your response is reasonable.

“That never happened.”

“You’re too sensitive. Nobody else would react like this.”

“You made me do it.”

You may begin rehearsing conversations, collecting mental evidence, or seeking the perfect explanation that will finally make your pain understandable.

You do not need an airtight argument to deserve respect.

Using threats, intimidation, or your vulnerabilities

Control may involve threats toward you, loved ones, pets, housing, reputation, or private information. A partner may block an exit, destroy belongings, or make you afraid of what could happen next.

“Nobody will believe you.”

“I’ll tell everyone your private business.”

“You know what happens when you push me.”

A threat does not have to be carried out to influence your choices.

Using children or parenting to maintain control

A partner may use children as messengers, undermine your parenting, or threaten consequences if you seek help or separate.

“I’ll make sure you never see the kids.”

“Tell your mother this is her fault.”

“If you cared about the children, you would stay quiet.”

These statements can place enormous pressure on a parent who is already trying to protect their children.

Pressuring sexual contact or reproductive decisions

This may include repeated pressure after you say no, punishment for refusing intimacy, interference with contraception, or attempts to control pregnancy decisions.

“If you loved me, you would.”

“We’re together. You shouldn’t be saying no to me.”

“You don’t get to make that decision without my permission.”

Being in a relationship does not remove your right to consent.

Making you responsible for preventing their behavior

A partner may treat your compliance as the condition for their kindness, stability, or safety.

“Look what you made me do.”

“If you leave, whatever happens to me is your fault.”

“Everything would be fine if you stopped upsetting me.”

Threats of self-harm deserve professional attention. They do not make you responsible for remaining in a relationship or managing someone else’s safety alone.

These examples reflect recognized patterns of isolation, monitoring, intimidation, manipulation, and other forms of abuse. (thehotline.org, thehotline.org)

“I can do what I want—as long as I’m willing to deal with the consequences”

This is a quiet but important distinction.

You may have access to your phone, your car, your income, and your friends. Yet using them independently may lead to hours of accusations, threats, humiliation, or fear.

Someone does not have to physically stop you every time to control your behavior. The expectation of what comes afterward can begin making decisions for you.

Consider:

• Can I say no without becoming afraid?

• Can I have privacy without being accused?

• Can I spend time with people I love without paying for it afterward?

• Can I raise a concern without the conversation becoming about my supposed flaws?

• Can I make ordinary decisions without anticipating retaliation?

These questions are invitations to reflect. You do not have to answer them publicly—or have everything figured out today.

When being “the strong one” makes it harder to ask for help

At Yemaya Wellness Center®, we make space for women who are accustomed to carrying a great deal.

For some Black women and other women of color, strength can come with expectations to keep functioning, protect others, and handle pain privately.

Perhaps you have heard:

“Keep your business in your house.”

“Every relationship takes work.”

“Don’t let people see you struggling.”

Perhaps the pressure comes from within:

“I help other people with this. How can this be happening to me?”

“I’ve already invested so much.”

“I should be able to handle it.”

When we explore the Superwoman Schema, we make room to examine expectations of strength, emotional restraint, and responsibility for others. That reflection can help us notice when asking for care feels incompatible with the person we believe we must be.

Those expectations do not cause abuse. The responsibility for abusive behavior belongs to the person choosing it.

Your patience did not create their entitlement. Your success did not justify their jealousy. Your difficulty leaving does not give them permission to hurt you.

The good days can make it harder to name the harmful ones

Perhaps there is affection, humor, shared history, and genuine attachment.

Perhaps they apologize. Perhaps they acknowledge some of what happened. Perhaps you feel hopeful again.

You do not have to deny those experiences to recognize harm.

A useful question is: What changes after the apology?

Do they respect your choices consistently? Take responsibility without blaming you? Accept that trust takes time? Allow you to seek support without interference?

You can appreciate a tender moment and still need protection from a harmful pattern.

You do not have to prove it is “bad enough”

Perhaps you are worried about housing, money, parenting, privacy, or what your community will say.

Perhaps you still love them.

Perhaps you are afraid that naming the relationship will force you into a decision you are not ready—or safe—to make.

You can seek support while feeling uncertain. You can describe what is happening without choosing a label. You can want the harm to stop and still feel attached to the person causing it.

Support should make room for your circumstances and your choices.

A first step can be small—and private

If this feels familiar, you do not need to confront your partner, test their reaction, or announce a decision today.

When it is safe, consider speaking privately with a domestic violence advocate. An advocate can help you explore options and develop a safety plan that fits your circumstances, including if you are staying in the relationship.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free, confidential support 24/7:

• Call: 800-799-SAFE (7233)

• Text: START to 88788

• Visit: thehotline.org

If you are in immediate danger, call 911 if you can safely do so. (thehotline.org, thehotline.org)

A privacy reminder: Devices, accounts, and internet activity may be monitored. If that is a concern, use a safer device when possible. Private browsing does not guarantee privacy or erase all traces of activity. (thehotline.org)

If someone you love tells you they are being hurt

Start with:

“I believe you.”

“You don’t deserve this.”

“You don’t have to decide everything today.”

“What would feel helpful—and safe—right now?”

Let them speak without defending why they stayed. Offer concrete support you can follow through on. Avoid confronting their partner or making decisions on their behalf.

Keep the connection open, even when their timeline differs from what you hoped.

Honoring survivors means making room for the whole person

This month, we honor people living with abuse, those navigating separation, those rebuilding afterward, and those whose lives have been taken.

We also honor the person reading this who has never said it aloud.

At Yemaya Wellness Center®, our approach centers culturally affirming, trauma-informed care and space to explore the relationship between survival, strength, and wellbeing. Therapy can support you as you make sense of your experiences; domestic violence advocacy offers specialized safety planning and practical resources.

When it is safe for you to browse, visit Yemaya Wellness Center® to learn about our care.

You deserve relationships where your voice has room, your choices are respected, and saying no does not make you afraid.

You deserve care while you are still figuring out what comes next.

Join the conversation—without sharing your private story

What is one belief about being a “strong woman” that we need to retire?

General reflections are welcome. Please protect your privacy and avoid identifying details about yourself or anyone else. Reading quietly is welcome, too.